Alexis Julian

There is a very famous poem written by the third patriarch of Zen, Seng-ts’an, called the Hsin-Hsin Ming, which translates as Verses in Faith Mind. In this poem Seng-ts’an writes these lines: “Do not seek the truth; only cease to cherish opinions.” This is a reversal of the way most people go about trying to realize absolute truth. Most people seek truth, but Seng-ts’an is saying not to seek truth. This sounds very strange indeed. How will you find truth if you don’t seek it? How will you find happiness if you do not seek it? How will you find God if you do not seek God? Everyone seems to be seeking something. In spirituality seeking is highly honored and respected, and here comes Seng-ts’an saying not to seek. 

The reason Seng-ts’an is saying not to seek is because truth, or reality, is not something objective. Truth is not something “out there.” It is not something you will find as an object of perception or as a temporal experience. Reality is neither inside of you nor outside of you. Both “outside” and “inside” are not getting to the point. They both miss the mark because outside and inside are conceptual constructs with no inherent reality. They are simply abstract points of reference. Even words like “you,” or “me,” or “I,” are nothing more than conceptual points of reference existing only in the mind. Such concepts may have a practical value in daily life, but when assumed to be true they distort perception and create a virtual reality, or what in the East is called the world of samsara. 

Seng-ts’an was a wily old Zen master. He viewed things through the eye of enlightenment and was intimately aware of how the conditioned mind fools itself into false pursuits and blind alleys. He knew that seeking truth, or reality, is as silly as a dog thinking that it must chase its tail in order to attain its tail. The dog already has full possession of its tail from the very beginning. Besides, once the dog grasps his tail, he will have to let go of it in order to function. So even if you were to find the truth through grasping, you will have to let it go at some point in order to function. But even so, any truth that is attained through grasping is not the real truth because such a truth would be an object and therefore not real to begin with.

In order to seek, you must first have an idea, ideal, or an image, what it is you are seeking. That idea may not even be very conscious or clear but it must be there in order for you to seek. Being an idea it cannot be real. That’s why Seng-ts’an says “only cease to cherish opinions.” By opinions he means ideas, ideals, beliefs, and images, as well as personal opinions. This sounds easy but it is rarely as easy as it seems. Seng-ts’an is not saying you should never have a thought in your head, he is saying not to cherish the thoughts in your head. To cherish implies an emotional attachment and holding on to. When you cherish something, you place value on it because you think that it is real or because it defines who you think you are. This cherishing of thoughts and opinions is what the false self thrives on. It is what the false self is made of. When you realize that none of your ideas about truth are real, it is quite a shock to your system. It is an unexpected blow to the seeker and the seeking.

The task of any useful spiritual practice is therefore to dismantle cherishing the thoughts, opinions, and ideas that make up the false self, the self that is seeking. This is the true task of both meditation and inquiry. Through meditation we can come to see that the only thing that makes us suffer is our own mind. Sitting quietly reveals the mind to be nothing but conditioned thinking spontaneously arising within awareness. Through cherishing this thinking, through taking it to be real and relevant, we create internal images of self and others and the world. Then we live in these images as if they were real. To be caught within these images is to live in an illusory virtual reality. 

Through observing the illusory nature of thought without resisting it, we can begin to question and inquire into the underlying belief structures that support it. These belief structures are what form our emotional attachments to the false self and the world our minds create.

This is why I sometimes ask people, “Are you ready to lose your world?” Because true awakening will not fit into the world as you imagine it or the self you imagine yourself to be. Reality is not something that you integrate into your personal view of things. Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of. It has never been spoken, never been written, never been imagined. It is not hidden, but in plain view. Cease to cherish opinions and it stands before your very eyes. 

Adyashanti

Well… I have officially arrived in the Dirty South!

I will be staying down in Dixie for a couple weeks. And since my personal frequently-asked-question lately has been “Why?” I thought I’d make a blog post about it.

So here’s why I’m making Tuscaloosa, Alabama, my home for the next few weeks:

• I decided to make 2012 “The Year of Yes” which means I want to have as many experiences and try as many new things as possible. And… this is a pretty new experience, that’s for sure!
• I’ve always been very fascinated with the south, but have never ventured further than North Carolina or Texas
• I’d really like to visit all 50 states, and… you know… there’s no time like the present to work on goals
• I am very fortunate to have a sincere and generous friend in Tuscaloosa with a spare bedroom and similar outlook on life
• It was time to leave my former job, and it seemed like a good idea to relax and have a little bit of fun in between jobs/life stages
• It’s about time for me to get reenrolled in school so I can (finally) finish up my BA and there are a ton of colleges to explore down here
• COME ON! It’s the dirty dirrrty south, why the hell not?

Bye, y’all!

I remember sitting at a coffee shop in Portland a couple years ago with a ripped out page from my daily planner that had the heading “The woman I want to be”underlined at the top. I divided the page into three separate parts: emotional, spiritual, physical. Drew a stick figure under physical. Drew some bullet points. Made a few lists.

At the time, I wrote lists the way junkies smoked crack. I was averaging one new planner a month. I was singlehandedly keeping Post-It in business. And I was exceedingly anxious, all. the. time. But I can’t remember actually living in that life. I don’t remember what it was like to wake up, roll out of bed, and feel crushed by the arbitrary weight of a to-do list in a planner.

It might seem depressing, but lately when I have been feeling low I focus on that fact: the fact that in even a week, I won’t remember the details of this evening. I’ll be feeling completely different, for completely different reasons.

And this is why I believe in reincarnation.

I mean, my belief in it is irrelevant… I’m pretty sure regardless of what we believe will happen after we die is irrelevant. Whatever is going to happen will happen without regard to our personal philosophies, but I’m not actually talking about postmortem reincarnation. And as much as I actually do believe in some sort of recycling of the soul, I’m not too concerned about whether or not it will actually happen. Because I’ve been reincarnated dozens of times in my short 21 years.

There was the time I was an infant. Or the time I saw green grass for the first time. There was the time when I fed goats as a toddler, or the time I went to my first real school. There was the little girl who did ballet and tap.The pre-pubescent in community theater. The girl in a school uniform. The seventh grader at my first dance. An American abroad. The high schooler, the licensed driver, the college girl. I’ve been a friend to people I don’t know anymore, to people who wouldn’t recognize me today. People I wouldn’t recognize today. A girl I wouldn’t recognize today.

I’m terribly unbothered with Twitter and the hashtag “ruining” the English language, because I’ve finally realized what it is that we try to accomplish with these sites, and why they will ultimately fail at accurately documenting our lives.

We put up albums titled “Summer of 2011″, we group our friends into groups headed “School friends”, “Coworkers”, we hashtag and tag and group and categorize and subcategorize to our little hearts content but ultimately, it is futile. Who determines when “Summer of 2011″ begins and ends? What about the individuals that are school friends, coworkers, and our best friends? What about the moments of our lives that are too painful or private to document publicly on our Facebook timelines? And even if Facebook and Twitter integrate the features necessary to subcategorize everything absolutely perfectly, what do the categorizing of our photos and friends really say about who we are, or who we’ve been?

I’ve simultaneously embraced and been petrified of the concept of reincarnation for awhile now. My ego is bruised imagining an existence of my soul where I wouldn’t know who Alexis Julian is, because I like her, I like her a lot. But the real rub is that she’s elusive. I’ve worn many hats in my life. I’ve played many roles, I’ve lead a myriad of very different “lives” all within this one. And even though these same eyes have opened every day of my 21 years, the same brain has thought, the same hands have touched… I don’t remember living and breathing each of those lives. Sometimes it feels as though the events of my life unfolded before a completely different person. And yet it was me all along.

So this one is for the girl who wrote the list titled “The woman I want to be” and the woman that would be. Here I am. A lot closer in many ways, lightyears away in others. But 100% myself all the same. Each day I peel back another layer, every moment I become a little more her, and a little different too. I’m not going to be afraid of “real” reincarnation, should that ever come. I’ve had a lot of practice.

Recently, I’ve received something of an ethereal order. It came from within, and has been burning quietly within me for some time. Supposedly, I’m ready for it now. I don’t feel ready. In fact, any readiness I’ve felt has been replaced with complete dread in the past couple days. Like, I’ve finally started climbing the ladder to the high-dive. Except I reached the third rung gripped with fear and can’t continue. So this is a dumb post by a dumb 21 year old girl who doesn’t actually know anything talking about conquering fear:

I have to do this.

I have to do this for myself. I am supposed to have this experience. It’s one I’ve wanted for so long, held so dear and close to my heart. It’s an experience I’ve dreamed about for years. I want to do this to change my life. I’m shedding the skin of the Alexis I’ve been and have no choice but to begin the process of becoming the Alexis I am supposed to be for the next while. I have to do this so I can flourish.

I have no reason to be afraid.

Life has never presented me with anything I could not handle. I’ve overcome everything. Nothing has ruined, broken, or killed me yet. I am better equipped now than I’ve ever been for handling a change. And if there is anything I’ve learned in 2011, it’s that I can do more things on my own than I ever imagined. I can vouch for myself, protect myself, care for and love myself. When the day is over and the only thing I can see is my own eyelids, I don’t fear anything. If the only thing I can control is myself… I know I am in control and that the only life I can truly care for is in good hands.

I need to make sacrifices.

Chasing this dream of mine will give me an opportunity to practice something I’ve never really had to deal with: sacrifice (you can decide if this is a blessing or a curse). If I am to make this dream a reality, there’s a good chance I’ll have to make some sacrifices that might mean discomfort. It will definitely mean a much stricter budget than I’m familiar with. It will probably mean doing some things I don’t find complete enjoyment in. It may mean new experiences, and those will certainly not all be positive. I might get sad, frustrated, uncomfortable. But I might embrace the life these sacrifices lead me to. I could totally love it. At this point I really don’t know, so I’m stressed about something that isn’t real.

Which is what it all boils down to.

None of this is real. The only part of my existence that is “real” is totally intangible; that is my perception of the world, the well-being of my soul. And if my soul is satisfied, nothing else will matter. The discomfort of change is inconsequential if my soul is happy. Ever notice that? Happiness has a way of making even shitty things feel rosy. I need to snap out of this anxiety and start getting excited for the huge life ahead of me. I absolutely do not want to wake up 5 years from now confused, angry, and frustrated that my life hasn’t changed. Because there’s no possible way for it to change unless I illicit that change on my own. Santa isn’t going to leave a New Life gift wrapped for me under the tree. The Tooth Fairy isn’t going to leave it under my pillow. My parents aren’t going to just surprise me with plane tickets and a new apartment in Abu Dubai. If that’s what I want (it’s not, by the way) it’s about time I start making preparations to get myself there.

It’s time.

Don’t worry. I’ll tell you what this is all about soon. But in the meantime I’d love to hear from you!

What are the dreams you’re too afraid to chase? What’s holding you back? And how are you going to make damn sure you achieve them?

When I was 13 my family went to Rome for Christmas. My sister and I stayed awake through the entire journey and fell asleep the second we got to the hotel. We woke up at 2am and ate pasta alla carbonara in bed. The sky was a pale grey the entire trip, but you’ve never seen something as beautiful as the San Pietro Bascilica on Christmas day.

And everywhere we went, we heard George Michael and the rest of Wham! singing “Last Christmas”.