Recently, I’ve received something of an ethereal order. It came from within, and has been burning quietly within me for some time. Supposedly, I’m ready for it now. I don’t feel ready. In fact, any readiness I’ve felt has been replaced with complete dread in the past couple days. Like, I’ve finally started climbing the ladder to the high-dive. Except I reached the third rung gripped with fear and can’t continue. So this is a dumb post by a dumb 21 year old girl who doesn’t actually know anything talking about conquering fear:
I have to do this.
I have to do this for myself. I am supposed to have this experience. It’s one I’ve wanted for so long, held so dear and close to my heart. It’s an experience I’ve dreamed about for years. I want to do this to change my life. I’m shedding the skin of the Alexis I’ve been and have no choice but to begin the process of becoming the Alexis I am supposed to be for the next while. I have to do this so I can flourish.
I have no reason to be afraid.
Life has never presented me with anything I could not handle. I’ve overcome everything. Nothing has ruined, broken, or killed me yet. I am better equipped now than I’ve ever been for handling a change. And if there is anything I’ve learned in 2011, it’s that I can do more things on my own than I ever imagined. I can vouch for myself, protect myself, care for and love myself. When the day is over and the only thing I can see is my own eyelids, I don’t fear anything. If the only thing I can control is myself… I know I am in control and that the only life I can truly care for is in good hands.
I need to make sacrifices.
Chasing this dream of mine will give me an opportunity to practice something I’ve never really had to deal with: sacrifice (you can decide if this is a blessing or a curse). If I am to make this dream a reality, there’s a good chance I’ll have to make some sacrifices that might mean discomfort. It will definitely mean a much stricter budget than I’m familiar with. It will probably mean doing some things I don’t find complete enjoyment in. It may mean new experiences, and those will certainly not all be positive. I might get sad, frustrated, uncomfortable. But I might embrace the life these sacrifices lead me to. I could totally love it. At this point I really don’t know, so I’m stressed about something that isn’t real.
Which is what it all boils down to.
None of this is real. The only part of my existence that is “real” is totally intangible; that is my perception of the world, the well-being of my soul. And if my soul is satisfied, nothing else will matter. The discomfort of change is inconsequential if my soul is happy. Ever notice that? Happiness has a way of making even shitty things feel rosy. I need to snap out of this anxiety and start getting excited for the huge life ahead of me. I absolutely do not want to wake up 5 years from now confused, angry, and frustrated that my life hasn’t changed. Because there’s no possible way for it to change unless I illicit that change on my own. Santa isn’t going to leave a New Life gift wrapped for me under the tree. The Tooth Fairy isn’t going to leave it under my pillow. My parents aren’t going to just surprise me with plane tickets and a new apartment in Abu Dubai. If that’s what I want (it’s not, by the way) it’s about time I start making preparations to get myself there.
It’s time.
Don’t worry. I’ll tell you what this is all about soon. But in the meantime I’d love to hear from you!
What are the dreams you’re too afraid to chase? What’s holding you back? And how are you going to make damn sure you achieve them?
